Before Getting Married Part 5

You cannot love others except you have given your life to Christ. No man can be a faithful husband if he has not given his life to Christ. Only God can compel the husband to love his wife and to love her unconditionally and love her all the time and love her all the days of his life. Only a man who has surrendered his life to
Christ can love others: can honour others, can respect others. And appreciate and celebrate them.
A humble man is a man who has forgotten who he is and says I am what I am by the grace of God. A woman who knows how to give thanks to God; nothing dies in her hands, because God will turn
her decomposed Lazarus into a recomposed Lazarus. Every family must be grateful to God for his many mercies, therefore when you appreciate God, your marriage will appreciate. When you celebrate God In your marriage, you become a celebrity. In marriage your face is the black board that the other person’s
reads while your heart is the black board that God reads; so you must learn to smile and have some moment of laughter. A man should make the wife laugh at least three times a day. Every family must learn how to invest in Gods project, because God will come back and invest in your life. Marriage should be a strong
cultivation of two people who are intimate friends. Friends that can step on another’s toes without removing their shine; friends when one has messed up, will still love themselves; friends that would not leave themselves even when everyone has abandoned; friends when they are in need, will give up everything
and make sure that in one accord needs are supplied; friends that will pray first for the other even before praying for himself. The bible calls it ‘A friend that is greater and better than a brother. Prov 27:10 . Men and brethren, responsibility is the price of greatness. No man is qualified to possess what he did not
pursue. A man who desires a beautiful woman must be ready to make her body shine 24 hours a day. The scripture expects us to befriend a covenant principle In ourmarriage and you will not depend on
others for help. “Now therefore, if you will indeed obey My voice and keep My covenant, then you shall be a special treasure to Me above all people”; Exodus 19:5 In the school of marriage, every solution begins with the gift of knowing ‘how’ because God created each and every one of us on purpose for a purpose; so none of us is an accident without a unique destiny. Therefore, when the battles of life gets tough, when the enemy blocks every access road against you, when the enemy hedges you in or aims you in, when you come to a place where you sit on a particular door and cry and that door remains lock; You must learn how to call
for reinforcement by raising a song Hear this “My husband would always advised us to pray for divine favour before stepping out of the house for it will automatically make the impossible possible. As a result, I have watched my husband enjoy some unbelievable favours. While attending a Pentecostal conference in Switzerland we ran short of funds. But as we ate one morning, a stranger who could not speak a word of English walked up to us and began to shout Hallelujah! Apparently that was a way of telling us he was a Christian. He handed over an envelope to my husband, it contained $2000” Pastor Mrs P. Uma
Therefore never despise what you do not understand because it takes more than one colour to make a rainbow. It is therefore time to combine your creative thinking to creative praying and creative doing because in your marriage, your red sea is about to be turn into a red carpet.

Dr Uma Ukpai

Before Getting Married Part 4

Men and brethren, you must deal with the weakness of your father’s house before you transfer it into your marriage. Realising that only the Holy Spirit can help us with our weakness. You must be prepared to love unconditionally. Begin from your own house, a man must love his wife. You must love your husband. Your husband may be the biggest idiot around you; the bible commands you to love him. Your wife may be the worst demon, but love her. Your love can change him or her. You must learn to be truthful in your marriage, don’t use one another’s weakness as a weapon of war when you have slight misunderstanding. Ask God for grace and wisdom to deal with every confusion and problems in your marriage. Every lie needs another lie to cover the first lie; therefore we must learn to be truthful, even when it hurts. Crisis most times strengthens relationship. It tells us that we are human. Our needs are not many, therefore as much as you can let us
live a simple life. There are things that are not beneficial even though we look for those things. Avoid whatever will lure you into sin, things that can cause depression in your marriage or gossips that can ruin a relationship. In all the battles we fight in life, you either win or lose in your mind. The mind is the ultimate source of creation. When you think about negative things, negative things will begin to happen in your life and marriage. When your partner makes you angry don’t dwell on that anger. In marriage we must
cultivate the habit of saying SORRY, PLEASE and THANK you.Until you appreciate your partner, your marriage and life will not appreciate. When your husband comes suddenly and call you stupid, remind him that you were so stupid and that was why you married him. You must find a way to communicate your
feelings without creating confusion. In my days as a single preacher, after witnessing the power of God, the girl who invited me to that service said to me no other girl would marry you but me and if you say no
I will shoot you and shoot myself. So I was forced to go into one month fast, wanting to escape that trap and God delivered me. God showed me my wife in a revelation. Because we are from the same village I just told God you made a wrong choice; you should have asked me who is a good girl and it is not this girl. I
did not want to tell her. In the first place, she was young at 25 years then. I didn’t want to marry a baby. As far as I know, 25 years is what you call the end of the age of confusion. I waited for two years but I told God I would marry her only on one condition. She had written a book she called, Mother I have found a man. She walked up to me and asked me what I would do if God revealed a girl to me. I told her I will tell the girl to apply and she retorted: ‘Don’t you think you are arrogant?’ I replied, ‘No just say I have
self-respect; being a preacher if I propose to you now you’ll tell the whole world that the man of God is chasing me. Then she said what if I’m the girl? I said to her; then tell me you are the person. She wrote a very beautiful book and was very honest. She said God had revealed to her that I will be her husband. We have been married for 35 years and we have quarrelled only twice; being a confirmation, an affirmation and
attestation that she was the right choice.
By
Dr Uma Ukpai.

Before Getting Married Part 3

“Men and brethren, there are demons that won’t let your marriage function. The worst in the kingdom of marriage is to be married to someone who will turn your life to a hell on earth. Boy oh boy, I don’t know what is worse in life than marrying a man who hates you and a woman who does not like you. A woman who still prefers her old boyfriend, she still dreams about him, even though she is in your house. Every time you come close to her, she compares you with that old boyfriend and says to herself, I wish I had married that boy. And to her anything she does to you is done out of pity, not because you deserve it. Sometimes you asked for breakfast, she will ask you if you have no hand. A woman who will kill you easily is a woman who when you have come back from the day’s hard job and right at the door; you are welcomed with issues and
problems instead of water or food. A wife who cannot stop the husband from working too hard or cultivating the habit of rest will soon be a widow. One of my Pastor’s friends wrote in his will that if anything happens to him, that I should be the one to preach in his funeral! He died because he had refused to cultivate the rest culture. When I came to the funeral, I raised millions of naira for the family’s upkeep. The wife shouted please Reverend let us also go to Ibadan to raise more money? I told her to shut up, where was she when she refused to stop my friend from overworking. A woman who is killing the husband by slow motion
is a woman who intentionally and unintentionally confronts the man at the wrong time and wrong places. In the book of 2 Samuel 6:16 , the scriptures gave us an insight of a woman who fell in love with the killer of Goliath, Saul’s daughter according to the word loved David ‘but she despised him in her heart’ when he saw him rejoicing that God had granted him success. We know the results; the bible says she was cursed.
“Therefore Michal the daughter of Saul had no children to the day of her death” Verse 23. Marriage is not a competition of who had achieved things more the other. Heaven can open door for the woman more than the man but she must learn to still be submissive as ordained by God. It takes wisdom to build a good marriage
that others will call a heaven on earth. Do not be deceived to choose to be an imitator of other people’s marriage, some Africa marriages you see are mostly people smiling with their teeth opened, but by the time you get closer, you will discover how badly it stinks. Marriage is ordained by God and the devil is not happy when you are happy” to be contd....

By
Dr Uma Ukpai

Ten Tips to Having a Healthy Marriage

1. Be Appreciative- Tell your spouse that you appreciate him/her and everything he/ she do for you, even the small things.

2. Be Committed- stand strong in your commitment to save your marriage and make it healthy again. If you don't stand up for your own marriage, who will? God
gives you more strength than you can ever imagine.

3. Be Communicative- Keep those lines of communication open with your spouse. Talk to him/her daily and just discuss family matters and matters of the heart with him/her. It shows inclusion and promotes openness. You should also make your requests known to God, who will hear your prayers and help you in your walk to
have a healthy marriage.

4. Be Encouraging- Say words of
encouragement to your spouse. When he/ she do something great, tell him/her that he/she did a great job or good work. It can
only encourage him/her to keep pleasing you, right?

5. Be Genuine- In your communications, have a spirit of genuineness and not sighing, pouting or complaining about
something. If you have been with him/her long enough, he/she will detect if you are genuine or just doing it for self gain. Do it in love!

6. Be Fearless- Don't be afraid to try new things in your marriage to make it more enjoyable. Go someplace new (even if it's to a new park or restaurant), try a new
bedroom move (just don't hurt yourself), try a new perfume/cologne to entice your spouse (or as the old timers used to say, a
new "come and get me sauce"). Just don't be afraid to do it. This is YOUR spouse and you are entitled to have a great time with them. And the best thing about it is "IT'S
100% LEGAL!

7. Be Fun- Did you ever have fun with your spouse early on in your marriage or during the engagement stage? I know you both
hung out and took walks in the park, went to the beach, baseball games, basketball games, plays, movies, etc. You did things
that were fun and enjoyable for both of you. So why do you think that you can't still have fun because you are married now?

8. Be Honest- Be sincere and truthful in your communications. If you are worried or hurting about something, talk about it honestly. You know when the door is opened for that honest communication
with your spouse, so don't be afraid to do it.

9. Be Humorous- Didn't you ever laugh when you were dating your spouse? Surely somebody cracked a joke or two in the relationship. You cannot tell me that you didn't laugh at jokes, movies, falling down, getting up or just silly things. But you know, those things gave you both hope and lightened the load of just being in a relationship. Remember, laughter is good
relationship medicine and should be practiced as often as you can do it.

10. Be a Listener- There are times when our spouses just want a listening ear. Don't be too busy to be a listener when your spouse needs to talk. You did talk all night
when you were dating right? The difference now is that you don't tell him/her to go home and come back tomorrow, because you are living under the same household.
Lend that ear to him/her and they will cherish it! Now I didn't mention prayer specifically
because that should be a given in any relationship. Praying about your situation and how to handle it should be first and foremost in your marriage; period! Remember this, if you are not fulfilling your role as the spouse that God wants you to be, someone else will be happy to try and fill it for you. Don't let that happen in your marriage. Take Charge of what you
need to do to keep your marriage healthy. Just put forth the effort first and allow God to lead you the rest of the way.

Before Getting Married Part Two

Marriage was designed and ordained by God for our good and pleasure. But since the fall of Adam and Eve, marriage has gotten complicated and in some cases, it has turned out to be what the couple never expected, nor what parents had in mind when they celebrated the journey of the two. Some marriages has become so
sour that the partners live in fear and tear or as enemies. Others have planned, hardened their hearts and eliminated their former ‘sweethearts’ and ‘honey’. We all, I guess must have heard or seen ‘darling’ couples who are now enemies, hating each other more than words can describe. But despite this, people get married every day. There are those who are fasting and praying, willing to go to any length to find a wife or husband. They do not take into consideration all the negative stories thy must have heard. Meanwhile, there are those who wish that God had approved divorce and or made a law permitting people to go their separate ways at the least provocation. Such have stayed married just to appease their church or their circle of friends. Left
to them, their marriage would have been dissolved years back. In retrospect, we say that marriage is like a besieged city; some who are married would wish they could rewind the clock and become free again; while some who are single are desiring without respite, that they would find the Prince or Princess and live happily ever after. Nevertheless, since God designed marriage, there are many who are enjoying it and thank God daily for His wisdom in instituting marriage and giving them the man or woman of their heart. Where do you belong?

By
Dr Uma Ukpai

Before Getting Married Part One

I will spend time once every week to show you the mechanics and the dynamics and the kingdom nuggets by revelation and testimonies of the secret of being happy and staying happy while single before getting married. Men and brethren, marriage is a besieged city, those inside wants to jump out and those outside wants to jump in. I have expanded earlier on the intents and the contents of SECRET OF HAPPY MARRIAGE because anyone who is not happy while single cannot be happy when married.We shall look at the arithmetic of romance and how you can serve God while single and happily doing so until you find your Prince or Princess. The scripture says he that finds a wife, finds a good thing. And obtains favour from the lord. Prov 18:22 . Which means to be married is transference of anointing of favour from one level to another. This time from being single to marriage level, blessing both parties. Some questions that needs to be answered includes but not limited to; Why do people live in debt after marriage? Why do Christians borrow to marry and live in debt after? Do you need to be comfortable in life before you get married? Or do we need to be stupidly poor, so that God can favour us after we get married? First, Let us look at the definition of finding. To find is in the same context with seek in Mathew 7:7 .Therefore, to find is to come upon sometimes by accident, to come upon or discover by searching or making effort. To find is also to discover or ascertain through observation, experience or study. To find can also be to perceive to be,after consideration. To find is to regain, recover to succeed in reaching, to obtain, to acquire by effort, to decide on and make declaration about. To find can also be to bring oneself to an awareness of what one truly wishes to be, to have and do in life. To find is also to perceive oneself to be in a specific place or condition through the direction of the Holy Spirit. As a young person, who is in love with a girl or a boy; you dream beautiful dreams but be prepared that after the wedding you will know that love is blind, but marriage is an eye opener. There are things you must put in place. Anybody who dreamt of a marriage and got married and found that the wife will not obey his command and got disappointed because she did not obey his command is a sick man. It amazes me when people ask us to pray for them that God will give them a man or woman who is like them. Boy oh boy, marriage is a union of two opposites. A man that says stand up and a woman that says why must we stand up; a man who likes garri and a woman who likes rice; a man who likes clothes and a woman who has no interest in clothes. It is this mixture of two opposites that will give marriage, life and progress. Are you getting married because of your family’s pressure? Is it because you want to prove a point to your friends or enemies that you can be married?” To be continued..

By
Dr Uma Ukpai

Abuse: Five Signs That You Are Dating An Abusive Man

Abuse in relationships is all too common. Once you are in a committed relationship with someone who is abusive, you will find that it is harder to get out of it than when you are dating. This is because you begin to experience a crisis of self-doubt and low self-esteem the longer you are in the relationship. The best thing to do is to pay attention to signs that you are dating an abusive man and end the relationship as soon as you figure it out. Here are five signs that you are dating an abusive man:
1. He's possessive. He wants you to spend your time exclusively with him. He is jealous of your friends and family and discourages you from being with them. He attempts to pull you away from them by putting them down and putting a wedge between you and them. He texts you constantly and gets upset, if you don't answer right away. He always wants to know where you are and what you are doing and questions you about it.
2. He's got a master mentality. He talks a lot of submission and the roles husband and wife should have. He talks negatively about women and their abilities and characteristics.He makes statements that reflect his view that women have their "place" and that women want to rule over men. (You may have to listen to subtle cues on this, if he isn't being completely open yet with his comments.)
3. He's too serious too fast. If he loves you right away, wants to spend all his time with you right away,walks into your life and "takes care of you," he may be exhibiting controlling behavior rather than caring for you. Be careful, if you are looking for someone to fall in love with and a partner to help you with your responsibilities financially and otherwise,
because you may be vulnerable with someone who walks into your life and takes over-too much.
4. He's got you walking on eggshells. If you are already noticing that you are afraid to tell him things because of his reaction, then you are already reacting to the abusive nature, even though it might be subtle at this point. If you are afraid of his reaction when you tell him no, are late, cancel plans, share an opinion, turn down an offer, don't answer his call, or argue with him, then you are already sensing the anger and control.
5. He's got you questioning yourself. If he blames you when things go wrong, shames you for making mistakes, interrogates you to get explanations, or makes you feel crazy when you disagree with him, then you are beginning to feel the common self-doubt and invalidation that is a part of abuse. Abusive men cannot take criticism and comments about their behavior. They are defensive and attacking and use techniques to turn it back on to you. You will notice yourself replaying conversations and events and wondering if you really did and said what he
perceived.
When you see these five signs (and you don't have to have all of them), you are dating an abusive man. You will spare yourself a lot of trouble, if you get out before you get entrenched. God doesn't want you to be abused or controlled; he wants you to be loved and cherished.