Things to Try if You Don’t Feel Heard : 5 Ways to Express Yourself Differently

5 Things to try if you don’t feel heard : Feeling unheard or misunderstood in your relationship can be incredibly isolating. It can also be exhausting when you’ve tried everything you can to explain how you’re feeling and your partner still doesn’t hear you. 

I often hear my clients report that their biggest complaint in their relationship(s) is that they aren’t being heard. They feel they communicate effectively and express themselves clearly. So what is the problem? 

There is most likely a disconnect because your partner’s perception is totally different or they don’t know what to do with the information you are expressing. We may not intend to do this, but we often end up trying to change our partner’s perception when we aren’t feeling validated. This causes conflict and we then get stuck defending why our perspective is right. 

The reality, is neither of you are right, but both of you are valid. When we struggle with being heard, it can often be contributed to how we are being perceived. Although we don’t have any control over how other’s perceive us, we can work on our expression of vulnerability and detach from our partner’s response if they have a reaction that isn’t fulfilling to us.

We also have to remember, our partner is an insecure child inside at times of feeling triggered and they have their own demons they are battling. If they are reactive to our feedback or vulnerability, it may be tangled up with their own deep seeded struggles. This doesn’t give anyone a free pass to be abusive, but if you perceive your partner is guarded, defensive, attacking or blaming, we can try our best to understand why without personalizing it. Their reaction may not have everything to do with us. 

There is also huge difference between communicating clearly, (which involves little to no emotional exposure) and communicating vulnerably (which has everything to do with exposure and letting down your guard). Which do you often do? 

Here are 5 things to try if you don’t feel heard: 

#1 Things to try if you don’t feel heard: Exercise your emotional intelligence. 

It is essential to know what you are feeling! Seems simple enough, but often times we don’t really know what we are feeling, we just know we are uncomfortable. This leads us to subconsciously project onto our partner. We then create an expectation and are disappointed when they don’t fulfill our needs. Understanding our own vulnerable emotions is crucial for your partner to fully understand them, too. How helpful would it be for you to be aware that you feel insecure about how you look, prior to having an upset reaction with your partner when you project that they are looking at stranger with a wandering eye?

#2 Things to try if you don’t feel heard: Don’t default to anger. 

When we feel dismissed, it’s hard not to default to anger. Anger is a special emotion, because it “protects” our inner fears. It helps us feel powerful in moments when we may feel really small. Instead of expressing anger, practice exposing your fear, insecurities or hurt to your partner. Anger will most likely always set off your partner’s defense mechanism(s) and you won’t end up feeling heard anyway. 

#3 Things to try if you don’t feel heard: Be aware of your accusations.

I often her my clients say to their partner, “I HAVE TOLD YOU SO MANY TIMES THAT IT PISSES ME OFF WHEN YOU CONTINUE TO ACT AGGRESSIVE WHEN I’M TRYING TO EXPRESS MYSELF. YOU APPARENTLY DON’T CARE OR LISTEN.” As an objective party, I can understand that this person is trying to express their hurt feelings by expressing their tolerance is low; they are feeling defeated and most likely really sad. As an objective party, I can also understand how this expression is hard for their partner to hear with compassion, because the stance is accusatory and it’s being expressed from anger. Now, we get caught in a dance of arguing about who’s right, because most likely your partner wants to (naturally) defend a misrepresentation of themselves that they don’t agree with. So if you want your partner to understand you, not defend themselves, you have to be very mindful of how you are expressing your perspective. The second you accuse, (ex: “You did ______,” or “You always do this______,”) is the second your partner flips the switch and stops listening to you. It’s important to try to express your perception by expressing, (ex: “Maybe this isn’t your intention, but I perceive you shut down when I try to talk to you sometimes and it really hurts me. I feel dismissed and rejected.” 

#4 Things to try if you don’t feel heard: Practice humility. 

Humility is important in a partnership. It requires you look into the mirror and acknowledge that maybe you aren’t right, or maybe you aren’t being vulnerable. It helps us take ownership of our behavior when our behavior isn’t congruent to our feelings. It’s important to confront your partner with humility and own your projections when you can’t catch them in the moment, (ex: “I’m sorry I came at you today with anger and accusations. I know you don’t intentionally mean to dismiss me. I’m really hurt and feel disconnected from you and instead of saying that, I got angry.”) Please remember that in a partnership, no one is to blame. Both people actively contribute to conflict, disconnect and hurt feelings. 

#5 Things to try if you don’t feel heard: Try to give your partner the benefit of the doubt by recreating your narrative about their intentions. 

Maybe you struggle with conflict or are sensitive to your partner’s moods/reactions. If you try your hardest to avoid the scenario of feeling dismissed or having a disagreement, you may not even realize that you start to suppress your feelings over time. This eventually leads to an angry outburst from a nasty narrative you’ve created about your partner’s intentions, (ex: “He really doesn’t care about me,” or “She is so needy or selfish.”) Our attempt to avoid conflict ends up being more conflictual because we have stopped trying to see our partner with compassion and understanding, (ex: “Maybe he doesn’t listen to be at times because he’s under a lot of pressure and feels like he is failing at everything. When I tell him I’m hurt with him, he just hears how much of a failure he is all over again,” or “She feels so disconnected from everyone right now and it must be really difficult for her to feel disconnected from me, she just misses me.”)

In a partnership, we have to constantly work on ourselves. This is key. If we constantly default to blame and aggression, we will never be heard or understood. In the Denver area and need help with this? Give us a shout! We are happy to help!

Thanks for reading 5 Things to Try if You Don’t Feel Heard! Leave any feedback or comments below. 

How to Switch Off Relationship Autopilot

Switching off autopilot allows you to see life from a fresh perspective and frees you to make different and more mindful decisions.

It’s 6:30 am and your alarm goes off. Although you’d love to stay wrapped up in the warm coziness of your blankets, everything that you have to do today floods your body, causing you to jump out of bed.

Autopilot has kicked in.

You begin moving through your day like you are speeding down a highway, driving along as if hypnotized, going from one thing to the next. You drop the kids off at school, go to work, attend meetings, navigate conflict with a coworker, pick the kids up from school, run to soccer practice, get home to make dinner, help the kids with homework, feed the dog, clean the kitchen, half-listen to what your spouse is telling you about their day, and put the kids to bed.

You pause for a brief moment and collapse back into your bed, only to start it all over again at 6:30 am the next morning. You can feel anger and resentment bubbling to the surface.

“Is this really my life?”

This is your life on autopilot: half-awake, frustrated, disconnected from yourself and those around you. Of course you need and want to “be there” for your children, your spouse, and your co-workers, but your inner voice can’t help but cry out, “There has to be a better way!”

How do you get yourself off autopilot so you can really live? It all starts by shifting your focus. The key is to become aware of your feelings, habits, patterns, and general “busyness” so that you can learn to mindfully step outside yourself the moment you notice you’re engaging in your usual autopilot behavior.

Below are three strategies to disengage autopilot and live an awakened life:

1. Tune in to your body.

The first step to an awakened life is to tune in to what you are feeling. Take in and become aware of everything your body is sensing. For example, as you take a shower, focus on how the water feels as it runs down your back. As you drink your morning coffee, tea, or juice, take a moment to enjoy each sip instead of gulping it down. Pause throughout your day, really focusing on how you feel as you interact with your friends, coworkers, and those you love. Be aware of bids for emotional connection and turn towards them. The point here is to become mindful of what you feel, hear, see, and smell. Become aware of each and every sensation, paying close attention to any faint whispers from your “gut instinct.”

As you begin to get in tune with your body, you will begin to identify when autopilot is taking over. From this space, you can choose what you want to focus on, for yourself and within your relationships.

2. Identify and set your intention.

Focusing on your relationship with your partner, take a moment to tune in to what you want. What is your intention when you are with them? Your intention might be to listen more deeply, let go of blame and criticism, or simply to be more honest, vulnerable, or present. Whatever your intention, set aside a few minutes at the beginning of each day to reflect on your desired outcome.

With kindness and self-compassion, take responsibility for and release what is preventing you from fully engaging. Without judgment, be mindful of what is happening. For example, if your intention is to deepen your sense of connection with your spouse, start by sensing the situation between the two of you.

3. Have a daily ritual of connection with your partner.

With this newfound focus on your feelings and intentions, identify one daily activity or routine with your partner where you would like to be more awake, mindful, and engaged. For example, have a stress-reducing conversation where you only talk about stress outside of your relationship. Actively listen and pay close attention to what your partner has to say. Whatever your chosen routine or daily activity, commit to giving it your full attention and focus. Ask yourself, “What really matters here?”

Getting stuck on autopilot happens to the fittest of relationships, so be patient and stay focused on your desired outcome. In addition to these these three steps, disengaging from autopilot and leading an awakened life also involves mindfully having compassion for yourself and others, practicing forgiveness, and living with an open heart.

Switching off autopilot allows you to see life from a fresh perspective and frees you to make different and more mindful decisions. As you begin making choices in this awakened state, you’ll notice your actions naturally begin to align and become more consistent with your desired outcomes – in your relationship and in your life. Learning to connect from a place of deep presence will enable you to hear what your heart is saying, ultimately empowering you to respond rather than react.

How to Bring Heartfulness Into Your Marriage

It’s the small things done often that make the difference.

How to Bring Heartfulness into Your Marriage

We often hear the words “mindfulness” and “compassion” as interchangeable, positive attributes to embody and integrate into our lives. Although complimentary, mindfulness and compassion are not the same.

How to Mindfully Meditate in Marriage discusses that mindfulness is about maintaining a moment-to-moment awareness and acceptance of your thoughts, feelings, physiology, and surrounding environment. When we talk about mindfulness, we also hear the term “loving kindness.”

So, what do these words really mean, how are they interwoven, and why is practicing them within marriage so important?

As Jon Kabat-Zinn, Ph.D. explains, “In Asian languages, the word for ‘mind’ and the word for ‘heart’ are the same. So, if you’re not hearing mindfulness in some deep way as heartfulness, you’re not really understanding it. Compassion and kindness towards oneself are intrinsically woven into it. You could think of mindfulness as wise and affectionate attention.”

Simply put, by practicing mindfulness and compassion, you powerfully bring your heart and mind together as one.

Mindfulness in marriage is about being receptive to your relationship experience and being present without judgment, while loving kindness and compassion are about embracing the fact you want to be free of pain and suffering and that your true wish is to alleviate yourself, as well as others, from this suffering.

Why Do You Need Heartfulness?

So, why do you need heartfulness – that melding of mindfulness and compassion – in your relationship? Because relationships are hard! Applying heartfulness in your marriage can help you, as Dr. John Gottman explains, to soften your startup. You are more able to be present, aware, and attentive of what you communicate and how it impacts your partner when you are talking to them. Practicing this on a daily basis helps you to see things clearer, view interactions through a lens of kindness rather than judgment, and act with calm wisdom instead of reacting. Softening the startup of your communications with your partner in this way will lead to a more stable and happy relationship.

The Benefits of Heartfulness

Approaching your marriage with heartfulness will produce numerous long-term benefits. Here are a few of the positive effects it can have on you and your spouse:

• The ability to handle difficult emotions with greater ease

• New perspectives on stressful situations

• More fluid communications

• Improved emotional well-being

• Transformation of your potentially difficult relationship

Integrating Heartfulness Into Your Marriage

The key to being heartful is to actively listen to your partner with an open heart and without judgment. Instead of thinking of the next thing that you’re going to say, be present and compassionate to what your partner is going through and what they are trying to communicate. The only way to do this is to step out of your own story so that you can fully take in and acknowledge what your partner is experiencing.

Now, I’m not saying that stepping out of your story is easy. By human nature, we’re all susceptible to falling prey to our own self-defeating narratives. Getting unstuck from this place takes yet another level of heartfulness – one that is focused inward.

I’ve certainly experienced the challenge of focusing heartfulness inward. There were times in my marriage where I became frustrated and critical with my late husband, Steve, saying things to him that could have been delivered more mindfully. Luckily, he dabbled in eastern practices and psychology himself, so when he saw I was triggered he had the wisdom to gently guide me towards having more self-compassion. In these instances, Steve would remind me to get in touch with my feelings and say, “Why don’t you take a moment and give yourself some compassion and then we can revisit and talk about what’s bothering you a bit later?”

Stepping back and changing my attitude towards myself first allowed me to calm down. I could then, in turn, be more trusting toward my husband and move forward communicating more openly.

The next time your buttons get pushed, or you start to blame your partner for something, take the opportunity to give yourself some compassion first. Then, after you are calmly refocused, make the space and effort to re-focus some of that compassion and kindness on your partner.

Heartful Affirmations

Practicing heartfulness can be as simple as expressing loving kindness and compassion through short and thoughtful affirmations. The next time you are upset, try saying the following out loud:

To yourself:

• “I am filled with loving kindness.”

• “I am safe and protected.”

• “I will get through this.”

• “I accept myself just the way I am.”

To your partner:

• “May you be happy, may you be healthy, may you find peace.”

• “May you accept yourself just as you are.”

• “May you be filled with loving kindness.”

• “May you live with ease and peace.”

The key is to find affirmations that resonate with you. Say these phrases softly, with a spirit of kindness towards yourself and your partner. Adopting a spirit of caring and kindness will make you feel more connected and most likely trigger a significant shift in your relationship. This shift will cause new pathways of understanding to open up, making you feel cared for, connected, safe, and protected.

Whatever your experience, commit to moving forward with mindful acceptance. Practice non-judgment and remember to extend equal amounts of compassion to your partner and yourself. Even though you may not always agree with or even understand what your partner is saying, integrating heartfulness into your marriage will enable you to be compassionate with each other in times of struggle and embrace the imperfections of your relationship with loving-kindness. Collectively, this is a powerful force for overcoming the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse – criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

As you can see, injecting your marriage with heartfulness – that powerful blend of mindfulness and compassion, towards your partner and yourself – doesn’t have to be complicated. As Dr. Gottman says, “It’s the small things done often that make the difference!”