Relationship Red Flags : What makes a relationship “toxic?

 As many of you know, relationship red flags may be hard to identify. Because relationships by nature are hard and require a lot of work, you may ask yourself sometimes “is this really healthy?” We have all been there. It can be challenging to know how to identify what’s a “normal” amount of dysfunction and what is down right toxic.

Here are some examples of relationship red flags to watch out for:

#1 Your partner never accepts accountability for their actions. Or if they do, they make sure to say “but I wouldn’t have done it if you hadn’t done X.”

#2 You never feel heard/considered in the relationship.

#3 You often question your own sanity or feelings. You may get stuck in self doubt, shame and guilt.

#4 You’re afraid of your partner’s reactions/judgements, so much that you find yourself altering or censoring yourself often.

#5 You struggle with being honest with your family/friends about your relationship. You may even start to isolate from people that were once close to you.

“Is this really healthy?”

#6 You start becoming someone you don’t recognize.

#7 Your partner uses your vulnerabilities against you.

#8 You constantly feel like you’re in a power struggle in everything that you do.

#9 Your partner directly or indirectly demands things from you. There is no compromise in the relationship.

#10 You had high self esteem until this relationship.

#11 You feel controlled.

#12 You cannot see yourself as your own person. Your partner has become a part of your identity and you need their approval and love.

#13 Arguments are volatile or abusive in any way.

#14 You feel intimidated.

#15 Your partner acts completely different around other people than they do when they are with you.

#16 You catch your partner in repeated lies. Even they are small.

#17 Your partner is highly defensive and never shows their vulnerable side to you.

#18 Your partner refuses to see other people’s perspectives in anything they don’t agree with.

#19 You feel coerced in having sex.

#20 Your partner calls/texts you constantly when you are away.

#21 Your partner does not support you doing new things and acts threatened often.

#22 Your partner threatens self harm in an attempt to cause a reaction out of you.

#23 You and/or your partner is unwilling to go to therapy. (If you are too afraid, they are too defensive).

Relationship Red Flags: How to walk away from a toxic relationship

If you find that you are in a toxic relationship, but struggle with feeling confident in getting out, here’s what you can do. First, if you are in an abusive or threatening relationship it is important to have a safety plan in place, (protective factors such as a place to stay, access to authority, etc).

It can also be incredibly helpful to have a safe, unbiased confidant like a relationship therapist. Because they are also educated on understanding human behavior, they will have a better perspective on what’s “healthy” or not. They are there to support you with building the self confidence and awareness you’ll need to leave the relationship. They can help you create and practice necessary boundaries to help you through the transition. Therapy can also help you connect any dots from past/childhood that may be impacting your current situation/feelings, which may help in healing any past traumas that are being impacted with your current situation.

Lastly, educate yourself on unhealthy relationships, personality disorders and/or addiction if applicable. This is something you can do in therapy, or on your own. Education is helpful at de-personalizing the problem and getting you to see the reality of a toxic situation.

Thank you for reading Relationship Red Flags: What makes a relationship “toxic?” Have you gotten out of a toxic relationship? Please share what helped you!

Praying Wife

There is just something very powerful about wives who pray for their husbands, something very powerful that I cannot eloquently put into words, it is best learnt as a personal experience than when it is taught to you.
But here's a free advice for any uncle out there who has the power of a praying babyboo working in his life;
Buy her loads of books that encourage women to pray. Christian books that will fuel her war room and grow her spiritual life.
Share powerful messages, podcasts, videos and posts from all the spirit led mentors you follow on social media. Tag her name to materials on their page, mention her on the posts, invite her to like and follow the page as well. I do that alot with my bestie, not just because it will be selfish of me to consume and get blessed alone, but because there is something else to it, a stronger reason, just wait, I will share that ultimate reason in a bit.
Most times tagging her to a motivational message is not enough, especially when you have a partner who is always busy with work and other stuff, one who doesn't fancy social media or hardly come online, they might not get to see the notification let alone follow it. So do the copy and paste as well. Copy the message and send it directly to her inbox, email, or WhatsApp etc. Copying and sharing the link to the message with your partner is also a great do. That way they get to see it since it is from you, and it gives you a great chance to refer to it and remind them to check it out. Ait?
Attend seminars and conferences together. Find out where the action is and take your partner there. Learn together, expose her to new teachings, revelations and sound doctrines.
Buy her tapes. Buy her that audio message by Bishop TD Jakes and Pst Joyce. Books are not enough, download , listen and share with her. Messages and materials that will build her prayer life as a woman of God and a wife of a priest.
How about movies? Strong Christian movies with powerful messages about personal growth, relationships and marriage. Find out the movies making the rounds and go see it together. There are alot of them out there, I am not talking about the amazing new movie Black panther, I'm yet to go see that too, got plans already to do Wakanda with bestie. I'm talking about War Room, God Deeds, Alison's Choice, where is Good, Virtuous and many other powerful movies that will send her deeper down the spiritual lane. Wait, I will share the reason why you need to do this.
Introduce her to good Tv shows and godly series with strong messages. Watching telemundo and zeeworld has not pushed anyone I know towards the spiritual walk, those series are for old women and stay at home wives who are not interested in adding anything else to what they already know.
Okay now the reason why doing this is very important to you...
Actually there's just one extra reason I need you to add to the ones you already know...
For a woman who prays for you, doing this is like opening her up to more opportunities to pray for you some more. It is like expanding her prayer scope, adding more prayer points to what she already carries in her heart, loading new explosives in her arsenal. She'll get fresher perspectives, more knowledge about the things she needs to pray over you for, her understanding of her role and duty as your wive will become clearer.
And guess what? It is all for your good. You're the one who will reap the fruits of her spiritual growth. Listening to Pst Joyce Meyer's messages alone will fill her up with prayer meditations for you, as much as it will help her get deeper with God for herself.
Listening to my messages too will enrich your love walk with her towards the blissful marriage God intends for you to enjoy. Right?
That's the free advice guys, I hope that you'll listen to His voice tonight and make efforts to try these tips. It's for your own good.
...and dear aunties, you know this rubs on you too, not just the uncles, also try these tips, build your man up for yourself, you have no idea what the power of a praying bae can do.

One Flesh, One Spirit

The devil completely lost his grip over my relationship and marriage the day the eyes of my understanding became open to the truth that there is nothing like 'personal salvation' in marriage, no such thing at all.
After marriage your heaven destination no longer becomes yours to decide anymore, the results of your living doesn't affect you alone, but your spouse as well. I'm talking about the fact that you'll be going anywhere your partner is heading, your claim to personal salvation ends at the marriage altar the moment you made the decision to accept completel responsibility for the life and soul of another person. You no longer become the guardian of your soul but that of your spouse as well, you cannot be careful with your own salvation while you let your spouse become careless with theirs, because wherever the product of their life here on earth is leading them that is also where you are also going.
Ephesians 5:27 talks about a presenting.
There will be a presentation of the soul the Master has placed under your care guys, a spotless and blameless presentation, one without commas, spots or wrinkles, I just wish someone can understand this. you have to really think through this marriage thing before making that decision, it's not about the diamond rings and pretty dresses anymore, the priority is never about making love and making babies, marriage is much more deeper than the surface that Hollywood and Zworld is painting for us, much more deeper.
What will you be presenting
Who will you be presenting?
In what condition will you be making your own presentation?
Is it with blisters and swollen eyes? Is it with emotional baggage and pain? Will you be presenting a broken, dejected, confused, regretful wife before God knowing that God doesn't accept garbage and leftovers?
Will you be presenting a worn out, frustrated, pushed into cheating, sex starved, I wish I never married you husband before God knowing the kind of talent multiplication He expects from you?
In What condition will you be making your presentation?
The most amazing part about this truth is that there must be a presentation, one way or another, you will either be making your presentation in the presence of all the host of heaven singing hallelujah with the choirs of angels or you'll be making your presentation in the pits hell with the devil and his colleagues.
This changed my life, this shaped my perspectives, this formed my thought pattern and marriage actions. I just knew I am not that dumb to date just anyone after realizing this, let alone marry out of list, selfish desires or temporary pleasures. I just know that my marriage cannot collapse under my watch, not when I stay ruled by the counsel of the Holy Spirit, I just know it. I just know that I cannot marry wrong, I just know that even the "I love you" that comes out of my mouth has an effect of my salvation, oh leketetetebredosh krrteeetee. Every "YES I DO" promise I exchange with my spouse at the altar will be a determining factor on my journey towards heaven.
It will be very foolish of me to risk my salvation because I am more focused on the size of my wedding cake than the sustainability of the amazing grace I carry. It will be careless of me to spend more time prepararing for a surprise proposal with flowers and music that has no effect on my salvation. Our Dubai honeymoon adds nothing. Changing into 5 different dresses at the wedding reception will not change my eternal destination, catatayema brahamatosh, they play no part.
We have to get this right guys, out life's depends on it, our happiness depends on it, our salvation depends on it, I was not born into the earth to escort anyone to hell in the name of marriage, I cannot be married to anyone who will make it impossible for me to take responsibility for their salvation and mine. I cannot afford to let anyone come into my life and marry me out of God's beautiful fellowship, I know too much to allow that error, I know that when TWO becomes ONE in marriage salvation no longer becomes personal, yours and mine becomes linked, we become dependent on each other's righteousness, we become ONE FLESH, we share ONE SPIRIT, journeying towards ONE DESTINATION.
Can somebody confess this with me in faith;
IT IS TOO LATE FOR MY MARRIAGE TO FAIL!

Dear Booless

Whoever told you that keeping a relationship is not important told you a lie straight from the pits of hell. A healthy godly relationship is very important, oh yes it is. It is important to be with someone who will grow through life with you. It is important to build with someone who will understand your weaknesses and appreciate your strengths. It is important to love someone who will set goals with you and smash them. It is important to have someone who God can trust with anything that concerns you. But as important as it is to keep a relationship, it is not compulsory. Nope, definitely not.
I am a huge fan of godly relationships and healthy marriages, but if you are still single and reading through this text I want you to know that your values has nothing to do with your relationship status, but everything to do with a God who has made you whole, complete and lacking nothing . . . . . all while you're standing alone, single and proud.
You may see this stage of singleness as a bad thing, like if you’re somewhere around your 20's and you are still single it is thought of as a curse or a setback. As a matter of fact there is probably no other stage of life that is wished away faster than the stage of singleness, you probably cannot wait for this to pass, your heart is probably itching for that perfect relationship of your dreams, you have envisioned your own proposal and even planned your bridal shower in your head. I bet you already have a wedding colour in mind for your bridesmaids. You just can't wait right? Your friends are all happily dating and you are the only one left, the odd one out, Simbi the cursed child. It is tough for you right now I know, especially with those longings, desires, hopes, and foolish fantasies sprinting inside your mind;
“I just want a man, someone that can be there for me, listen to all my worries, buy me nice gifts, take me out, and mushy mushy everywhere together."
"I just want a woman who can come and take care of me like a nanny, beautiful, respectful, submissive, hardworking, and a big buttocks to complement her character."
But there you are, single, and feeling like you are incomplete, like something is missing, like you're not normal, your confidence is low, you drag your esteem when you're around people, because you're not in a relationship, and in your heart you feel happiness is on the other side of dating.
No, happiness is right where you are, the reason why you're not feeling it is because you're not creating it, and the reason why you're not creating happiness is because you're waiting to find it on the other side of dating. You're feeling incomplete because you're waiting for someone to come and complete you. Oh no, finding the missing piece does not imply that there is something missing inside you, it only means that you're looking out for someone who will come and share in your happiness, not creating happiness for you.
I hope you caught this tight?
You are perfect, you are complete in every definition of the word. Love yourself, invest this time to discover and make yourself a better person for that someone who God will put in your life. Keeping a relationship is not compulsory at all, don't jump into one because of the pressure, if you have stayed single and it hasn’t killed you yet, don't hurry now. Be patient and let God prepare you for someone with His divine seal of approval.
STAY SINGLE! . . . . . AND PROUD!

AM I MOVING TOO FAST?

It’s barely been a week since you met this charming guy and he is already making your head swell. You’ve got him crowding your Facebook statuses, you're talking about him on your WhatsApp updates, and his face is the customized profile photo on all the social channels you subscribe to.
In just 4 weeks he already has access to your emails, passwords and text messages. He’s kissing, hugging and having his body all over you. Prince charming now decides the kind of parties you attend and the company of friends you should keep. He is cutting off your old buddies and you're cool with it, you don't mind, you just love him. He has you asking his permission before doing anything, and it's alright, you like how he's taking the lead as a real man! You’re talking about him with your friends and everyone in your inner cycle. Your mom already knows, dad knows, your pastor knows, but you know no one in his family besides his cousin, and that too is cool with you right? You guys are already talking about meeting his family, although he just wants to take it slow yea? You just cannot wait to be introduced, ain't it?
I know the first few months of that relationship has been one of the best experience you’ve had in a very long while, you’ve idealized and painted beautiful pictures of how Alex is the sweetest, funniest, nicest and the most coolest guy you’ve ever met, and you believe this one is going to be different from all the others you have dated in the past. He’s so cute and caring and you’re getting those butterfly in your stomach feelings that you would marry him right now if he falls on his knees to ask you sweetly.
But wait dear Kate, before you start moving too fast I would like for you to understand this;
The early stage of a relationship is usually the most confusing and the most misleading phase of love. You know how it is when you first met that special someone, the emotions burning through your vains are usually so high that it gives you no room to think or focus on the true quality of the person. Here, the love is usually the strongest, because you're both trying to meet the expectations of the other. You will both be eager to do anything for each other, catch a grenade, jump in front of a moving train, put your hand in the blade, let go of your friends, cut out your own social life, submit to everything your partner says, because all you're thinking about here is how to impress and keep them happy.
Your partner will call to check on you 5 times a day, even when calling is clearly not their thing. They will google all the romantic text messages they can find to keep you smiling, even when texting is not their strongest quality. They will initiate and plan all the hangouts because there is a rush in their vains to spend all the time in the world with you. In all of these love jamboree, you will give yourself no room to see their faults, weakeneses and shortçomings. They're too perfect, too complete, too caring, too loving, that is all you see, the LIGHT sides of each other that has perfectly overshadowed the DARK sides. And you know how it goes a few months later, sometimes even weeks, when the light starts to fade out, their true quality becomes clearer to you, their every hour calls becomes a traditional one call a day at night. Their I LOVE YOU romantic text messages slowly changes to "please call me". Here you must have invested so much in the relationship to even consider walking backwards, you probably must have had sex with Alex countless times in the rush. So now you just keep loving, hoping that one day things will go back to how it was the very first time.
Don't put yourself in this condition dear Kate, or dear Alex because this usually goes both ways. Don't move too fast, give that young love a chance to get tested, give yourself a chance to really get to know the person you're loving. Trust me, when you're with the right person, with all the right qualities that you accept in them, the emotions will never end.

Some things the singles cannot see and the married are not tellingthem.

We live in a dissatisfied generation. Those who are short in height wished they were taller.
The white is tanning their bodies trying to get dark, the blacks are bleaching trying to get
white. The young are tinting their hair white, the old are dyeing their hair black. Singles are
posing with wedding ring, those married forget to wear it, those with beards are shaving
off, those with none are using methylated spirit to grow some! Today, I have a story to tell.
Are you ready for it? Here we go. Once upon a time, (time – time), when I was single, I
looked forward to
marriage. Now that I am married, I missed the time I was single! End of story!
Singles will hardly believe that because all in their mind is to get married so that everything
can change. I have been happily married for fourteen years and here are a few things I
have learned that might bless you if you are still single.
1. Marriage will not make you happier. Be happy before marriage. Marriage has no power
in itself beyond the two people involved.
2. Marriage will not change you. Change begins inwardly. Marriage is not a change agent.
Marriage will not improve your attitudes, it will expose them. Marriage does not eliminate
your weaknesses, it will amplify them. Start working on your attitudes and weaknesses
before marriage.
3. Marriage will not cure loneliness. There are several married people who have their
spouses with them by the second, but are extremely lonely. Loneliness is more of a state of
mind than availability of people around you. The loneliest people in the world are
sometimes the ones with large number of fans and crowd around them. Only God’s word
can cure the root cause of loneliness.
4. Marriage will not take pressures away, it will probably bring more. You have one more
life to manage. If you cannot manage yours and you venture into marriage, it will be a
disaster. When the children start coming, there will be more pressures. Learn to take
pressures head on by casting your care on Jesus and refusing to worry like the scripture
advises.
5. Marriage is not all about sex. Ask somebody who is married. Yes, sex is a marital glue,
a healing balm in the soul for couples, and a blessing that keeps couples together. But it is
not like you think, sex in the morning, afternoon and evening. Average couples actually
make love twice or thrice in a week. However, the more frequent it is for married couples,
the better for them.
6. Your spouse will not be a magician neither is he the Holy Spirit. He will be a human
being with his
own issues. You will always need God. He might be very anointed on the pulpit and filled
with God’s glory while she is ministering in the choir, but at home he or she is a human
being with all the weaknesses complete. Learn to separate the office or position of your
spouse from his or her person at home.
7. Marriage is not all about kisses, flowers, cinemas, cakes, chocolates and vacations
alone. It is about cooking, pampers, crying baby, working, paying school fees and so on. It
is about budgets, plans, strategies and divine wisdom. It is about submission to your
husband who you sometimes think is hard, insensitive and unloving. It is about loving your
wife who you sometimes think is stubborn, does not want to be corrected and can nag
from morning till next day.

What God does not want from you as a lady and as a wife

Today, we will be looking at “What God does not want from you as a lady and as a wife.”

1. He does not want you to be
disobedient or rebellious to your
husband. God wants you as a wife to be obedient and submissive to your husband. Let’s look at the scriptures IN LIKE manner, you married women, be submissive to your own husbands [subordinate yourselves as being secondary to and dependent on them, and adapt yourselves to them], so that even if any do not obey the Word [of God], they may be won over not by discussion but by the [godly] lives of their wives, When they observe the pure and modest way in which you conduct yourselves, together with your reverence [for your husband; you are to feel for him all that reverence includes: to respect, defer to, revere him--to honor, esteem, appreciate, prize, and, in the human sense, to adore him, that is, to admire, praise, be devoted to, deeply love, and enjoy your husband]. (1Pe 3:1-2 AMP)
Now wives, there is no way you follow the above scripture and you will not have victory in your marriage. Why? Because it is the word of God and His word never fails. Take a look at it again! You are to feel for him all that reverence includes: to respect, defer to, revere him--to honor, esteem, appreciate, prize, and, in the human sense, to adore him, that is, to admire, praise, be devoted to, deeply love, and enjoy your husband]. That is how to make
you husband love you like no man’s business! Before you give up in that marriage, before you start complaining, make sure you obey what God instructs you to do here. Notice that includes uncooperative husbands. The scripture says you can win them over by your attitude! That is how powerful a woman is. As a single lady, giving in to pre-marital sex is not submission. Don’t even think about it. They are miles apart. You are to stoutly refuse and disobey him in regard to that in order to preserve the relationship and preserve your destiny. If he wants to go because you won’t give in to sex, let him go! His name may be Abednego! He is not your husband. If he is, he will not be putting pressure on you to compromise your virtue.

2. He does not want you to place your work/career before your family. You should never make that mistake. Your family comes first and the wife is really the home-maker. If you do not put priority on your home, you make your husband vulnerable and make the children grow in abdefective way. While it is good to pursue your career, your family must come first. Too many women have pursued their career at the expense of losing their husbands and children. The key here is balance. As singles ladies, be open to friendship as you grow, pursue your career and don’t be isolated.

3. He does not want you to live a life of depression and unhappiness. God wants you to be
a happy wife! He wants you to create an atmosphere of joy in the home and not that ofvgloominess and despondency. A woman can literally change the mood in the house! That is how powerful women are. Take it easy. Be humorous. Learn to relax and don’t be toovclosed up in your own worldview. A cheerful heart brings a smile to your face; a sad heart makes it hard to get through the
day. (Pro 15:13 MSG) As a single lady, be cheerful and don’t let that melancholic look to take over your
countenance or else the very husband you want to attract can change his mind upon sighting your face even though God has spoken to him! So cheer up! Cast you care on Jesus and don’t allow worry to bend you over. Guys like their ladies straight! Yes, I know depressive thoughts will come but you must learn to handle them God’s way! We use our powerful God-tools for smashing warped philosophies, tearing down barriers
erected against the truth of God, fitting every loose thought and emotion and impulse into the structure of life shaped by Christ.
(2Co 10:5 MSG)

4. He does not want you to get involved with adulterous relationships. Don’t try to revenge
on your husband’s attitude by developing affairs with colleagues and friends. It may make your flesh feel good in revenge, but in the real sense of it, it will bring untold anguish and heartache. Your life will slip down to that of deception, lies and other false intrigues. Thebconscience can become seared until one sees nothing wrong in having adulterous flings just to feel good and ‘enjoy life”. Don’t cheat on your husband, the consequences are debilitating and crushing. Adultery is a stolen pleasure and the spiritual implications are
not good for anybody. Stolen bread tastes sweet, but soon your mouth is full of gravel. (Pro 20:17 MSG)
As single ladies, don’t keep one guy in Nigeria and the other in USA while you are collecting money from both of them. That way, you are training your heart in adultery drama that won’t end happily thereafter.

5. He does not want you to provoke your children unnecessarily. God does not want you to take out what you feel or how you feel on the children. Don’t transfer your aggression on them or else they will grow up doing exactly the same things to their siblings and then their spouses. What you do to children and around them go a long way to influence their thought patterns and outlook to life. Fathers, do not provoke or irritate or fret your children [do not be hard on them or harass them], lest they become discouraged and sullen and morose and feel inferior and frustrated. [Do not break their spirit.] (Col 3:21 AMP)
Parents, don't come down too hard on your children or you'll crush their spirits. (Col 3:21 MSG) As single ladies, can you cope with children or they irritate you? If they do, it is something you need to work on.

6. He does not want you to deny your husband sexual pleasure. Never do this for any reason! It is unwise under any circumstance unless of course you are certain that your husband would transmit STDs as a result of his lifestyle.Many wives have unwittingly
pushed their husbands into the waiting hands of adulterous women by starving their husbands with sex. It is not a wise thing to do. Sex means to your husband much more than it means to you! Let me drive home the point with this illustration. A couple held themselves in a good embrace at night and in a split second the husband is ready for sex and was warming up for that. To his consternation, the wife said “No. “I just wanted you to hold me, that’s all, no sex!” The husband, all worked up went to bed with serious headache. A few days after that, they went on a shopping spree. The wife saw some jewelry, clothes, designer shoes and the husband asked her to pick them all. Then she saw skirt suits, and trouser suits. The husband still said she could pick them. She was enraptured. As they move over to the counter to pay, the husband said, No! I just wanted you to hold them. Hold them tight, that’s all!
As singles ladies, God does not want you in pre-marital sex or making out. What is wrong is wrong!

7. He does not want you to nag or disrespect your husband. Nagging is dangerous to marriage! Every man detests it. It will never work, so don’t resort to it.

8. He does not want you to discuss your husband with others. Never make that mistake. That male colleague that seems to have a listening ear is really looking for ways to take you to bed at the end of the day. With a few exception, though. That other guy with whom both of you exchange marital challenges and how your spouses have not been good is not a good relationship to keep. There would soon be emotional affair and then it will be taken to a physical level if care is not taken.

As single ladies, do not close your eyes to bad and wrong attitude in your fiancée. Every bad and negative tendency you see will leave the level of proclivities and graduate into full bloom after marriage, so in borrowing the Nigerian lingo “shine your eye well!”