Before Getting Married Part 3

“Men and brethren, there are demons that won’t let your marriage function. The worst in the kingdom of marriage is to be married to someone who will turn your life to a hell on earth. Boy oh boy, I don’t know what is worse in life than marrying a man who hates you and a woman who does not like you. A woman who still prefers her old boyfriend, she still dreams about him, even though she is in your house. Every time you come close to her, she compares you with that old boyfriend and says to herself, I wish I had married that boy. And to her anything she does to you is done out of pity, not because you deserve it. Sometimes you asked for breakfast, she will ask you if you have no hand. A woman who will kill you easily is a woman who when you have come back from the day’s hard job and right at the door; you are welcomed with issues and
problems instead of water or food. A wife who cannot stop the husband from working too hard or cultivating the habit of rest will soon be a widow. One of my Pastor’s friends wrote in his will that if anything happens to him, that I should be the one to preach in his funeral! He died because he had refused to cultivate the rest culture. When I came to the funeral, I raised millions of naira for the family’s upkeep. The wife shouted please Reverend let us also go to Ibadan to raise more money? I told her to shut up, where was she when she refused to stop my friend from overworking. A woman who is killing the husband by slow motion
is a woman who intentionally and unintentionally confronts the man at the wrong time and wrong places. In the book of 2 Samuel 6:16 , the scriptures gave us an insight of a woman who fell in love with the killer of Goliath, Saul’s daughter according to the word loved David ‘but she despised him in her heart’ when he saw him rejoicing that God had granted him success. We know the results; the bible says she was cursed.
“Therefore Michal the daughter of Saul had no children to the day of her death” Verse 23. Marriage is not a competition of who had achieved things more the other. Heaven can open door for the woman more than the man but she must learn to still be submissive as ordained by God. It takes wisdom to build a good marriage
that others will call a heaven on earth. Do not be deceived to choose to be an imitator of other people’s marriage, some Africa marriages you see are mostly people smiling with their teeth opened, but by the time you get closer, you will discover how badly it stinks. Marriage is ordained by God and the devil is not happy when you are happy” to be contd....

By
Dr Uma Ukpai

Ten Tips to Having a Healthy Marriage

1. Be Appreciative- Tell your spouse that you appreciate him/her and everything he/ she do for you, even the small things.

2. Be Committed- stand strong in your commitment to save your marriage and make it healthy again. If you don't stand up for your own marriage, who will? God
gives you more strength than you can ever imagine.

3. Be Communicative- Keep those lines of communication open with your spouse. Talk to him/her daily and just discuss family matters and matters of the heart with him/her. It shows inclusion and promotes openness. You should also make your requests known to God, who will hear your prayers and help you in your walk to
have a healthy marriage.

4. Be Encouraging- Say words of
encouragement to your spouse. When he/ she do something great, tell him/her that he/she did a great job or good work. It can
only encourage him/her to keep pleasing you, right?

5. Be Genuine- In your communications, have a spirit of genuineness and not sighing, pouting or complaining about
something. If you have been with him/her long enough, he/she will detect if you are genuine or just doing it for self gain. Do it in love!

6. Be Fearless- Don't be afraid to try new things in your marriage to make it more enjoyable. Go someplace new (even if it's to a new park or restaurant), try a new
bedroom move (just don't hurt yourself), try a new perfume/cologne to entice your spouse (or as the old timers used to say, a
new "come and get me sauce"). Just don't be afraid to do it. This is YOUR spouse and you are entitled to have a great time with them. And the best thing about it is "IT'S
100% LEGAL!

7. Be Fun- Did you ever have fun with your spouse early on in your marriage or during the engagement stage? I know you both
hung out and took walks in the park, went to the beach, baseball games, basketball games, plays, movies, etc. You did things
that were fun and enjoyable for both of you. So why do you think that you can't still have fun because you are married now?

8. Be Honest- Be sincere and truthful in your communications. If you are worried or hurting about something, talk about it honestly. You know when the door is opened for that honest communication
with your spouse, so don't be afraid to do it.

9. Be Humorous- Didn't you ever laugh when you were dating your spouse? Surely somebody cracked a joke or two in the relationship. You cannot tell me that you didn't laugh at jokes, movies, falling down, getting up or just silly things. But you know, those things gave you both hope and lightened the load of just being in a relationship. Remember, laughter is good
relationship medicine and should be practiced as often as you can do it.

10. Be a Listener- There are times when our spouses just want a listening ear. Don't be too busy to be a listener when your spouse needs to talk. You did talk all night
when you were dating right? The difference now is that you don't tell him/her to go home and come back tomorrow, because you are living under the same household.
Lend that ear to him/her and they will cherish it! Now I didn't mention prayer specifically
because that should be a given in any relationship. Praying about your situation and how to handle it should be first and foremost in your marriage; period! Remember this, if you are not fulfilling your role as the spouse that God wants you to be, someone else will be happy to try and fill it for you. Don't let that happen in your marriage. Take Charge of what you
need to do to keep your marriage healthy. Just put forth the effort first and allow God to lead you the rest of the way.

Before Getting Married Part Two

Marriage was designed and ordained by God for our good and pleasure. But since the fall of Adam and Eve, marriage has gotten complicated and in some cases, it has turned out to be what the couple never expected, nor what parents had in mind when they celebrated the journey of the two. Some marriages has become so
sour that the partners live in fear and tear or as enemies. Others have planned, hardened their hearts and eliminated their former ‘sweethearts’ and ‘honey’. We all, I guess must have heard or seen ‘darling’ couples who are now enemies, hating each other more than words can describe. But despite this, people get married every day. There are those who are fasting and praying, willing to go to any length to find a wife or husband. They do not take into consideration all the negative stories thy must have heard. Meanwhile, there are those who wish that God had approved divorce and or made a law permitting people to go their separate ways at the least provocation. Such have stayed married just to appease their church or their circle of friends. Left
to them, their marriage would have been dissolved years back. In retrospect, we say that marriage is like a besieged city; some who are married would wish they could rewind the clock and become free again; while some who are single are desiring without respite, that they would find the Prince or Princess and live happily ever after. Nevertheless, since God designed marriage, there are many who are enjoying it and thank God daily for His wisdom in instituting marriage and giving them the man or woman of their heart. Where do you belong?

By
Dr Uma Ukpai

Before Getting Married Part One

I will spend time once every week to show you the mechanics and the dynamics and the kingdom nuggets by revelation and testimonies of the secret of being happy and staying happy while single before getting married. Men and brethren, marriage is a besieged city, those inside wants to jump out and those outside wants to jump in. I have expanded earlier on the intents and the contents of SECRET OF HAPPY MARRIAGE because anyone who is not happy while single cannot be happy when married.We shall look at the arithmetic of romance and how you can serve God while single and happily doing so until you find your Prince or Princess. The scripture says he that finds a wife, finds a good thing. And obtains favour from the lord. Prov 18:22 . Which means to be married is transference of anointing of favour from one level to another. This time from being single to marriage level, blessing both parties. Some questions that needs to be answered includes but not limited to; Why do people live in debt after marriage? Why do Christians borrow to marry and live in debt after? Do you need to be comfortable in life before you get married? Or do we need to be stupidly poor, so that God can favour us after we get married? First, Let us look at the definition of finding. To find is in the same context with seek in Mathew 7:7 .Therefore, to find is to come upon sometimes by accident, to come upon or discover by searching or making effort. To find is also to discover or ascertain through observation, experience or study. To find can also be to perceive to be,after consideration. To find is to regain, recover to succeed in reaching, to obtain, to acquire by effort, to decide on and make declaration about. To find can also be to bring oneself to an awareness of what one truly wishes to be, to have and do in life. To find is also to perceive oneself to be in a specific place or condition through the direction of the Holy Spirit. As a young person, who is in love with a girl or a boy; you dream beautiful dreams but be prepared that after the wedding you will know that love is blind, but marriage is an eye opener. There are things you must put in place. Anybody who dreamt of a marriage and got married and found that the wife will not obey his command and got disappointed because she did not obey his command is a sick man. It amazes me when people ask us to pray for them that God will give them a man or woman who is like them. Boy oh boy, marriage is a union of two opposites. A man that says stand up and a woman that says why must we stand up; a man who likes garri and a woman who likes rice; a man who likes clothes and a woman who has no interest in clothes. It is this mixture of two opposites that will give marriage, life and progress. Are you getting married because of your family’s pressure? Is it because you want to prove a point to your friends or enemies that you can be married?” To be continued..

By
Dr Uma Ukpai

Abuse: Five Signs That You Are Dating An Abusive Man

Abuse in relationships is all too common. Once you are in a committed relationship with someone who is abusive, you will find that it is harder to get out of it than when you are dating. This is because you begin to experience a crisis of self-doubt and low self-esteem the longer you are in the relationship. The best thing to do is to pay attention to signs that you are dating an abusive man and end the relationship as soon as you figure it out. Here are five signs that you are dating an abusive man:
1. He's possessive. He wants you to spend your time exclusively with him. He is jealous of your friends and family and discourages you from being with them. He attempts to pull you away from them by putting them down and putting a wedge between you and them. He texts you constantly and gets upset, if you don't answer right away. He always wants to know where you are and what you are doing and questions you about it.
2. He's got a master mentality. He talks a lot of submission and the roles husband and wife should have. He talks negatively about women and their abilities and characteristics.He makes statements that reflect his view that women have their "place" and that women want to rule over men. (You may have to listen to subtle cues on this, if he isn't being completely open yet with his comments.)
3. He's too serious too fast. If he loves you right away, wants to spend all his time with you right away,walks into your life and "takes care of you," he may be exhibiting controlling behavior rather than caring for you. Be careful, if you are looking for someone to fall in love with and a partner to help you with your responsibilities financially and otherwise,
because you may be vulnerable with someone who walks into your life and takes over-too much.
4. He's got you walking on eggshells. If you are already noticing that you are afraid to tell him things because of his reaction, then you are already reacting to the abusive nature, even though it might be subtle at this point. If you are afraid of his reaction when you tell him no, are late, cancel plans, share an opinion, turn down an offer, don't answer his call, or argue with him, then you are already sensing the anger and control.
5. He's got you questioning yourself. If he blames you when things go wrong, shames you for making mistakes, interrogates you to get explanations, or makes you feel crazy when you disagree with him, then you are beginning to feel the common self-doubt and invalidation that is a part of abuse. Abusive men cannot take criticism and comments about their behavior. They are defensive and attacking and use techniques to turn it back on to you. You will notice yourself replaying conversations and events and wondering if you really did and said what he
perceived.
When you see these five signs (and you don't have to have all of them), you are dating an abusive man. You will spare yourself a lot of trouble, if you get out before you get entrenched. God doesn't want you to be abused or controlled; he wants you to be loved and cherished.

Maintaining Clear Boundaries in Courtship

You know the story.

Girl meets guy. Guy woos girl....says stuff like, "You're just so beautiful," and "I can't believe how wonderful you are," and "Other guys were fools not to see how much you ____," and so on.

Guy is not exactly the ideal of godliness, and he may even have some habits and behavioral tendencies that would make even the weakest believer cringe, but girl does not care.

She knows in her heart that guy is not really all that bad, and more than that, because she's strong in faith, they will work as a couple with her taking the spiritual lead.

She knows better than to end up in bed with him - that commandment is as clear as day in her mind. There's no way she'd break that rule.

Yeah right.

And so the story goes. First she lets him kiss her, then she finds herself making out on the couch, and the next thing she knows, she's dealing with a whole load of shame, if not an unplanned pregnancy.

No, I'm not cynical. Yet I do see an increasing number of women pass through our labor & delivery unit without a wedding band, and many claim to be professing Christians. So how do they end up there, when the Scripture is so explicitly clear on the matter?

Paul gives us a direct admonition regarding the life of faith in I Corinthians 10:12 - "Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall." (NKJV) This Scripture reflects the classic warning in Proverbs: "Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall" (Proverbs 16:18 NKJV).The first reason why a woman, or anyone for that matter, falls into a pattern of sin, has to do with her self-perception. She ignores the warnings about dating someone weak in the faith (or not at all in the faith) and says to herself, I am an exception - I will be able to resist sin.

My sisters, the Bible speaks very clearly to this condition: "Do not be unequally yoked," (II Corinthians 6:14 NKJV) which in plain English means Do Not Be Unequally Yoked!

The moment we think that we can resist sin by our own willpower or holiness, we fall into a trap laid quite ingeniously for us by the enemy. Galatians 6:1 warns, "Brethren, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted." (NKJV, emphasis mine) We cannot afford to think more highly of ourselves than we ought to think (Romans 12:3) - such pride stands in the way of God's help. Over and over the Bible states that God resists the proud and gives grace to the humble (Proverbs 3:34). We cannot afford to think that we will not fall when placed into the same situation - Jesus warns in Matthew 7:1-2 that the very thing we judge in another will be judged in our own life.

A sober, humble view of ourselves is the first way to resist sin in this area. Even if I have guarded my heart for years and refused to date anyone who might drag me down spiritually, if I believe for one second that I can make an exception just once and that I will not fall away, I place myself directly into that trap. Over and over I have seen different friends make that fateful decision despite warnings from all the believers around them, and over and over again they fall - every single time.

God has placed His body around us for our protection and to spur us on in the faith. Allow the believers around you to speak into your life. On our own, we may easily slip up, but with the admonitions of those around us (as long as we actually listen) we may steady our feet on the path of righteousness.

Secondly, we must resist the temptation to believe that the world has anything to offer us that would excel the glory of following Christ. Many women who make the choice to date someone outside the faith mistakenly believe that God is withholding from them - that they are missing something wonderful that their heart longs to experience. Surely God would not withhold a relationship from them, especially if it makes them happy!

James 4:1-10 addresses the issue of following after worldly desires:

Where do you think all these appalling wars and quarrels come from? Do you think they just happen? Think again. They come about because you want your own way, and fight for it deep inside yourselves. You lust for what you don't have and are willing to kill to get it. You want what isn't yours and will risk violence to get your hands on it. You wouldn't think of just asking God for it, would you? And why not? Because you know you'd be asking for what you have no right to. You're spoiled children, each wanting your own way. You're cheating on God. If all you want is your own way, flirting with the world every chance you get, you end up enemies of God and his way. And do you suppose God doesn't care? The proverb has it that "he's a fiercely jealous lover." And what he gives in love is far better than anything else you'll find. It's common knowledge that "God goes against the willful proud; God gives grace to the willing humble." So let God work his will in you. Yell a loud no to the Devil and watch him scamper. Say a quiet yes to God and he'll be there in no time. Quit dabbling in sin. Purify your inner life. Quit playing the field. Hit bottom, and cry your eyes out. The fun and games are over. Get serious, really serious. Get down on your knees before the Master; it's the only way you'll get on your feet. (James 4:1-10 The Message)

When we "flirt with the world" we risk that intimate friendship with God that brings righteousness and life. We have heard that God can satisfy our longings: "For He satisfies the longing soul, and fills the hungry soul with goodness" (Psalm 107:9 NKJV). Desiring to seek that satisfaction through the ways of the world only brings hurt and destruction!

Remember Abraham, who waited over 25 years for the fulfillment of the promise - when he tried to make it happen on his own, he created a whole mess that carries on in the Middle East even into the present day. God still fulfilled His promise to Abraham, however, and will fulfill every promise to us today (I Corinthians 1:20). If we hold onto those promises He has made, and resist the passions of the world, we will experience the joy of peaceful obedience to the One who satisfies the soul.

Sisters, I know that many of you long for the love of a man. God knows that deep desire of your heart, and even put that there Himself. He knows the very person that is created to match you perfectly. In His own time, God will bring you together.

God desires that you and I will come to Him and seek Him to fulfill the desires of our hearts! He joyfully longs to bless those who ask Him: "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. Or what man is there among you who, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!" (Matthew 7:7-11 NKJV)

While you wait for His answer, though, you must make boundaries clear in your life. Seek that humility that God draws close to, and throw away every desire for the world. Only then can you make decisions with a pure conscience.

May we all honor God in everything we do!

Written by
Leah Nichols

Christian Relationship Help: How toHonor and Respect Parents Who Aren'tHonorable or Respectable

Are you looking for Christian relationship help to guide you in how to honor and respect parents who aren't honorable or respectable? One of the Ten Commandments given by God is to honor your mother and father and it came with the promise that the Israelites would live long in their land (Exodus 20:12 ). "Honor"

means to show proper respect and value. It isn't difficult to figure out how to honor and respect parents that behave honorably and respectably, but how do you honor and respect parents that don't act that way?

Many parents live in a way that isn't responsible. They overspend and incur huge debts. They don't plan appropriately for the future and end up in a situation where they need money for basic necessities. They have addictions to drugs, alcohol, gambling, and shopping. They are verbally and emotionally abusive to you, your siblings, your other parent, and your children. They may have divorced your mother or father and are now living with or married to someone who isn't your biological parent and worse yet, someone you don't like or respect. They may also have been bad parents when raising you and your siblings and have never repented. These and other problems are all too common today, yet Christians still feel they need to abide by the biblical mandate. Here are ways you can honor a dishonorable parent: Refuse to enable bad behavior. Honoring does not require children to enable parents to continue bad behavior. It doesn't honor parents to do things that ultimately hurt them, the relationship with you, and others. When you honor someone, you want what is best for them because you value them enough to care. Refusing to enable unhealthy choices is

investing in your parent's long-term good and acting in a way that increases the chance that positive changes will be made. Speak respectfully when confronting. Treating your parents with respect doesn't mean you can't confront them with the truth. The temptation might be to confront them with the deluge of resentment and anger you have stored up for years. Instead, you speak to them at the appropriate time in the appropriate way. Talk to them alone rather than in front of other people. Let them know that the problems are hurting your relationship with them and that you want the relationship to be better. Don't talk down to them or treat them abusively or with contempt. Accept your part in the problem by owning your own perceptions, opinions, experiences, and feelings. Recognize that your parents have the right to make choices for themselves as adults and so do you. Don't tell them what to do, manipulate, or threaten. Do the things you can. There are some things you cannot do: give money when the money isn't going to be spent wisely

or is hurting you and your immediate family; tolerate abusive behavior toward you or your spouse and children; allow someone who is high or intoxicated in your home; allow someone to live with you who will disrupt your home and not respect your boundaries; or anything else that is enabling. You can't do these types of things but you can visit the person in other settings; remember holidays; help with things that are for your parent's good and do things that you would normally do for them. Honoring and respecting your parents

doesn't require you to tolerate and condone unacceptable behavior nor does it require you to allow them to do anything they want in your home and to you. It simply means that you treat your parents as people who you care about and value enough to make a stand for what is right and what is good for your long-term relationship.